Thinking of taking your relationship to the next level? Or, maybe things have been a bit underwhelming between the sheets? It might be time for a heart to heart with yourself and with your partner. When you become intimate with someone, great sex is an ultimate goal. Before you hit the sheets, I think there are a few topics the two of you should discuss openly and honestly if you want to minimize the awkward and pissed off moments in bed. In my opinion, knowing each other’s desires, preferences, and sexual past is key in starting things off on the right foot.
Discuss Fantasies, Fetishes, and Desires
Before you start laughing (Nadia), pay attention. Couples should definitely discuss fantasies and fetishes. This should help all parties involved to be educated on what their partner’s desires are, which will ultimately help in satisfying that person. Or, it may help to determine whether or not people are sexually compatible and save them the time and stress of unfulfilling, dishonest sex. Being in bed in the throes of passion is not be the ideal time to surprise your partner with your ederacinism fetish. Oils, lotions and potions are pretty standard. Those don’t really require discussion. But if you are a bondage queen or secret dominatrix, give your partner a heads up.
It’s not uncommon for many men and women to feel embarrassed when the topic of pleasure toys comes up, but, they can be the cure for a sex life that’s gone stale. Especially in long-term relationships, sex can begin to feel routine. From simple lotions to furry handcuffs, fun accessories help turn the heat up.
Never underestimate your lover’s bedroom interests. When people say ‘sex,’ they often think of vaginal intercourse. Anal and oral sex also count. Are you game for all three? Is your partner? Discussing what’s on the table when it comes to sex helps to set reasonable expectations and clarify boundaries.
Discuss Your Sexual History and Future Plans
Remember when your high school health teacher warned that when you have sex with someone, you’re having sex with everyone they’ve ever had sex with? As disgusting as it sounds, the truth is, they were right. You need to know a person’s sexual history upfront – diseases, genders of partners, and testing history. If someone has not cleared STD testing within the past six months then their results are not current. Realistically, even then, what they did last night with someone other than you can render yesterday’s test results moot.
Don’t leave it up to your partner to look out for your best interests. Always be proactive. Your sexual health is your responsibility, and what you don’t know might irreparably harm you.
It’s okay to start fresh together. When you and your partner get tested together it can be an awkwardly fun adventure. It’s certainly one that ends with you both feeling great and with the peace of mind of having a clean slate and putting your health first – essentially a win-win situation.
Family planning is also an important part of any pre-sex discussion, talk to your partner about birth control methods. Few things are more uncomfortable than dealing with an unplanned pregnancy before either of you are truly ready to become parents.
Clarify Exclusivity
Could your lover have another? Like it or not, the definition of a committed relationship is very varied nowadays. Never assume exclusivity in a sexual relationship. Be upfront and ask your partner if they’re dating other people or married. Having straight-forward, honest conversations about whether or not you’re sexually exclusive should reduce confusion; assuming everyone is truthful.
Sync Calendars
You like it in the mornings, but they‘re a night person. You’re comfortable having sex three times a week, but your partner is good with three-times-a-month. Knowing and sharing your sex schedules is the key to a successful and rewarding sex life you’ll both be proud of. You can be on different sexual frequencies, but you can compromise and sync your schedules to avoid sexual apathy.
Be Open About Your Sexual Secrets
Sexual history is of critical importance. Sometimes it’s inclusive of more than test results and exposure to STDs. Unfortunately a large percentage of women and men have experienced different forms of sexual trauma and abuse. In order to have healthy sexual expression in the bedroom, I think it’s a good idea that partners are honest about their experiences. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
You’re probably wondering how do you approach such a touchy subject. It’s best to initiate this conversation one-on-one in private, in a safe space. You can begin by letting your partner know that you have something serious to discuss with them and that you feel uncomfortable about the conversation but want to be honest. Acknowledging the discomfort is always helpful in any serious conversation.
Do your best to push past the awkwardness and get through your story. If all goes well, the conversation will bring you closer. Still unsure? If you feel uncomfortable having sexual conversations or revealing your sexual past to someone, you should absolutely not be having sex with them.
**If someone has revealed their sexual history and/or vulnerabilities to you, do not under any circumstances use this against them, throw it in their face or in any way attempt to use it to humiliate or embarrass them. Also, do not ever divulge what they have disclosed to you to anyone else.**
